Sounds Like a Personal Problem

To you people who make a big deal out of every damn thing- yes, you.

You know what makes me crazy? People who make a big deal out of everything. You know the kind of people I’m talking about. The ones you knit-pick EVERYTHING, like it has all got some kind of underlying, overlooked, meaning. Those people who can’t just let things be. It’s like they have a problem with everything- nothing is safe from dissection. I hate those people. Seriously.

They are always judging you, too. You can tell by their judgey-knit-picky faces. You say one thing, and you can just see them, pick, pick, picking at it. Their eyebrows furrow, and they cock their head, and you just know that inside they are pulling what you said to pieces, and examining all the parts. You’ve seen it before. If you haven’t- then you’re probably one of the knit-pickers, to which I say, shame. Shame on you for your furrowed brows, and your judgey faces, and your magnifications of the minuet. Shame. Vultures.

The worst is when they try to act all nonchalant, like they aren’t a Judgey Knit Picker. A J.K.P. should admit to being a J.K.P., and not try and pretend to be anything else.  If I were the kind of person that was into things like kitschy, catchy, rhymes (which I’m not, because those people are full of underlying issues. It all reeks of subtext), I would say, “If you can’t quit it, at least admit it.” We know you’re a J.K.P. Trying to hide it with that unconcerned tone, that shrug- it does nothing to hide it. WE SEE THROUGH YOU.

The dissection is a product of insecurity, obviously. There are probably people right now reading this and looking for typos, for errors in sentence structure, in order to build up their own value. But I defy you, J.K.P – I intentionally use an informal air, utilizing colloquial syntax, and if you thought I was prone to typographical errors, you’re wrong. Even if I was prone to typographical errors, we have people for that- people to proof, and edit, and clarify things. You want to make something of it? Do you have a problem with the use of outside sources in order to ensure quality? Are you making that judgey-knit-picky face right now? Stop furrowing your brow. Whatever you’re doing, stop it right now. I know you’re doing it. Stop it. No seriously. Stop.

Damn J.K.P.’s. I hate people who make a big deal out of nothing.


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